I suppose the death of a parent precipitates this sort of action. I have been running on automatic since my father’s death. Yet looking back over the past two weeks I am beginning to acknowledge that God is working a great change in my life. I don’t pretend to understand it and it has me in a bit of an emotional vortex. I do have faith however that  I will land feet first on solid ground with a new plan of action to follow.

I have considered closing down my blog as part of this “rethink”. Still uncertain where God will lead me in regards to that decision.

Trying to keep everything real and in perspective.

I had a bad day yesterday. Haven’t had one in quite awhile so I reckon I was due. Not sure why. The day started out relatively good but by mid-afternoon I was despondent. Making myself miserable. Without a clue as to how to climb out of the pit.

That’s how it is with me. My spirals into the darkside blindside me. Coming out of what appears to be nowhere. But I know that isn’t so. There is a place in my unconscious that responds to triggers I have not let myself acknowledge. Therefore I remain in the dark. In the darkest of moods.

Had a Bad Day by Daniel Powter

I plan on making today better. If immersing myself in my creative projects doesn’t take the edge off… I will just grab my camera and go.

The phone call went like this:

Collection Agency: Your father obtained a credit card using your name and social security number. He has informed us that he is not paying the balance of over $3,000.00. We are calling you as a courtesy to inform you that if this balance is not paid it will negatively effect your credit.

I keep hoping that one day the hurt and betrayal will go away. It never does. It just continues to be validated.

Second Update: I contacted the collection agency and was informed that my father had not yet contacted them. The agent made a conference call to my father. During this call the agent was able to get my father to pay the bill. The agent said to me  “We have never experienced a situation like this. How can a father do this to his daughter?” Hmmm….good question.

Update: I spoke with my father and he said he will take care of it. If this were not the case I most definitely would be filing fraud charges against my father. Something I never thought would cross my path. However, my concern, and my husband’s concern, is what else is out there that we don’t know about. My husband and I are giving serious consideration to LifeLock.

Needless to say an already fractured relationship has completely broken into too many shards to even care about putting the pieces back together again. There comes a point to say enough is enough (as I did with my mother all those years ago).

Okay….so I spent a little more than an hour posting my daybook for today…only to have it slip off into cyberspace somewhere due to poor internet connection. So after many excruciating minutes with our internet provider resolving the issue (and updating to ‘turbo boost’) I have decided that I need some ‘time out’ from all things technical…at least for the next few hours.

Gone to work in the garden for awhile.

Today I am grateful for: not having any appointments on the calendar for today.

Today I am going to simplify my life: by ‘unplugging’ for a few hours.

• Been struggling with focus issues this past week.
• Been trying to catch up with those things that fell into the abyss during all the illnesses we experienced during February. Where did that month go exactly?
• Been trying to come up with a new name for my blog. I don’t know why. What do you think?
• Been trying to figure out the best way to parent a teenager. Is it legal to lock them in their room until they turn forty?
• Been working on my ‘garden happy place’. It even makes me happy to work on it.
• Been trying to re-structure my office. It’s hard to get it all compatible with the many hats I wear. It has to do quadruple duty as my counseling office, my faculty office, my photography office and my personal/home office. I need a secretary.
• Been reading ‘Invisible No More: The Secret Lives of Women Over Fifty’ and have decided that I need to write another book. My first book was as a forty-something new mom. Just another thing that needs to be dusted around here.
• Been thinking that I need a chef. I do real well for awhile but I am just a take-out junkie.
• Been watching too much HGTV. It’s much more fun to watch people getting organized. I always like to add the disclaimer….do not try this at home.

Today I am grateful for: a nice big backyard that is able to have many functions.

Today I am going to simplify my life: by cleaning my workspace. Maybe.

Samantha’s Corner:

Samantha: Mom, we need to learn to play nice.

Mom: Okay. What would you suggest?

Samantha: You promise not to yell so much.

Mom: And you?

Samantha: I promise not to disobey so much.

There is nothing so horrifying as a sick teenage girl! Pass that bottle of Xanax please. Make that two bottles.

In other news:

• My computer had to be hauled away to the computer hospital. Seems as though the virus can’t be destroyed and my ‘computer guy’ has to strip it down to how I bought it. Thankfully he was able to transfer everything from My Documents to an external hard drive before erasing my entire hard drive.
• The dryer is fixed.
• My stomach virus is now in the ‘can live with’ stage.

Today’s ‘Around the Square’: is Linda from 2nd Cup of Coffee. I have been reading Linda for years. Go over and pay a visit. You will sure to have coffee spurting out your nose from laughing so hard.

Today I am grateful: that my computer is not totally toast and that we have Miss Sam’s. I am also grateful for all my blogging friends that stopped by and provided some much appreciated support as I navigate these mere bumps in the road.

Today Payday I will simplify my life: by purchasing that external hard drive that Holly and Linda recommended.

Samantha’s Corner:

Time: Midnight

Samantha: Can I have a doughnut?

Mom: You just took your head out of the puke pot.

Samantha: I’m a complicated individual.

So this is how Sunday started:

• Violently ill from an intestinal virus
• Dryer quit drying clothes
• Computer contracted a Trojan Horse Virus

This is what Monday looks like:

• still living in the bathroom from the intestinal virus
• calling dryer repair guy as soon as I finish this post (priorities)
• ‘computer guy’ aka Mark called and said it doesn’t sound like a hard drive issue (yippee!!!) and he will be able to look at it tomorrow (I’m on Sam’s computer)
• couldn’t log onto my blog (password issues since I am on Sam’s computer) thankfully, Heather is always, always there when I need her!!
• Samantha is now sick

So there you go. Hope to be back online by Wednesday.

I want to move forward but I am stuck.

I want to provide my husband what he needs as he grieves, but I am stuck.

I want to be stronger than I am, but I am stuck.

Paralyzed by fear.

Consumed by my own neurosis.

Burrowed deep in my comfort zone of weakness.

This is how I feel.

Yet, I don’t want to dwell on these feelings. I don’t want to be mired by fear, neurosis, and weakness.

I want to be unstuck. But wanting just isn’t enough.

It has finally stopped raining here in the sunshine state. I think we need to get out and do something as a family. No matter how fragile we feel separately, perhaps together we can grow stronger.

I want to be unstuck. I will take this small step.

But my family says no.

My husband waved me away when I made the suggestion. My daughter begged for a few more hours of sleep.

I want to be unstuck. But I can’t do it alone.

Can I?

Should I?

How?

Feeling blue and uninspired.

How do you turn yourself right side up again?

During a heated argument today while in the bigger bigger city trying to come to terms with my father-in-law’s illness and care needs, a treasured family member threw a fiery arrow at my heart. This dear person’s words were “How could you possibly know about caring for ones parents when you haven’t spoken to your parents in years!”.

For the record. I did not abandon my parents. They abandoned me.

Also for the record. If you ever want to strike a blow to me that will shatter me into a million tiny pieces that can never be recovered and will leave me broken beyond repair. Just throw the same fiery arrow at me that my sister-in-law did.

If you have never experienced the abandonment of a parent you can never understand the void it leaves. A void that can never be healed, filled, or forgotten. No matter how you grow. No matter how you forgive. No matter who you have in your life that loves you.

That void is the bullseye you want to hit to destroy me.

I am shattered and I am much too tired to pick up the pieces right now.