If any of you are readers of My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers you will recognize the title of this post as being the title of his devotion for June 6th.

Prior to June 6th I had mentioned to my husband that I was not going to call my mother on her birthday. A variety of reasons surrounded this decision:

• I didn’t want to move too fast through that barely cracked open door
• I didn’t want her to think I was “buttering” her up so I could get more information for my genealogy studies
• I didn’t want to always be the one attempting to cross the crevice between us

And that was my story and I was sticking to it.

That is until the Holy Spirit started nosing around in my business through Oswald Chambers.

As I read his devotion early on that morning of June 6th I felt that stirring I feel each time I consider reaching for that dangling carrot. That feeling of knowing that the next step I take is going to hurt but I have to take it anyway. Kinda like having to get that tetanus shot every seven years or so. It’s something that you just have to do no matter how much it may hurt.

So maybe I wasn’t honest in my writing yesterday in stating that I didn’t know why I continue to reach out. I do know why. God makes me do it. Or rather His Holy Spirit speaks to me through devotional readings such as this:

Stubbornness is an unintelligent barrier, refusing enlightenment and blocking its flow. The only thing to do with this barrier of stubbornness is to blow it up with “dynamite,” and the “dynamite” is obedience to the Holy Spirit. Oswald Chambers

So I did what God told me to do and then I became upset and hurt that it didn’t work out the way I had planned. Back to Oswald I plodded….

With focused attention and great care, you have to “work out” what God “works in” you – not work to accomplish or earn “your own salvation,” but work it out so you will exhibit the evidence of a life based with determined,unshakable faith on the complete and perfect redemption of the Lord. Oswald Chambers

There is too small a space here today to write what I have been “working out” since I reached for that dang carrot. God is pretty sneaky. Yes, He is.

I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.

Share This

The past few days have been quite unusual for me. I haven’t experienced this level of anxiety-frustration-sadness-contempt-confusion-since gee, I don’t know…the last time this happened. No wonder a close friend and a very loving and compassionate daughter asked the question “Why do you keep doing it?”.

My honest answer is that I don’t know. So not only does the action itself result in anxiety-frustration-sadness-contempt-confusion, so does the question as to why I pursue the carrot at all. I hate carrots.

Specifically carrots that are dangled from individuals who spend their time sowing and harvesting them instead of taking time out for the really important things like repairing broken fences or fertilizing nutrient poor soil.

Although I have a compost full of once dangled carrots it seems that I still cannot get enough.

The latest carrot was that my mother actually chose to receive my call on Mother’s Day of this year. What a ray of hope that instilled in me. I should have known better.

When I wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday a few days ago she told my daughter to tell me that “I haven’t made the effort to contact her in all these years that there is no reason to start doing it now”.

Slam. I nearly lost a a whole arm reaching for that particular carrot dangled on Mother’s Day.

The truth be told – ever since five or so years ago when I was told specifically that I no longer existed – I have consistently put my heart out there – in fear – in hope. Many times successfully with my father but never (until Mother’s Day) with my mother.

Granted there is truth in the fact that perhaps I should not have let as much time pass before stepping out in faith. But healing and forgiveness is a process, not something that happens overnight. Perhaps I should remember this from my mother’s perspective.

Yet, I find that difficult to do. I am human. I am a mother. There is nothing in this world that my daughter could ever do that would have me turn my back on her.

I was watching American Idol last week and one of the contestants had been trying to establish a relationship with their biological father. In return for stepping out in hope he was given a stab to the heart that only a parent has the ability to do. He was told that his father wanted nothing to do with him. His tears on national television broke not only my heart but also the hearts of all those who – though they hate carrots – they still can’t help but reach for the one that is dangled from a parent’s hand.

Share This